Adult children and parents: reasons for bad relationships. Relationships between adult children and parents

Harmonious relations between parents and children are the basis of the psychological health of the child. If there is discord in the family, the child is subjected to constant humiliation or, conversely, is in a privileged position, the development of psychosomatic symptoms is inevitable. Therefore, if problems arise in the relationship between parents and children, it is necessary, without waiting for the conflict to worsen, to resort to correction.

Features of interpersonal family relations between parents and children

The health of a child depends on many factors, and the leading one is the relationship between parents and children. The prerequisites for many diseases are laid in and at an early age, so the relationship between parents is of decisive importance for the health of the child. The child is born defenseless, having no experience of interacting with the outside world, and learns everything from his parents, as a result of communicating with them.

Features of the existence of marriage, the relationship between spouses and the relationship of children and parents in the family affect the development of psychosomatic diseases, from which the whole family usually suffers. As a rule, they are also detected in parents and other relatives of a sick child. Therefore, effective treatment consists in correcting the relationship between all family members, primarily in a married couple and between parents and children.

A family is a stable closed system in which each of the members performs a specific role. In this regard, changes in the family are required to change the state of health of the child. Adults need to realize and understand the current situation as a whole, change the interpersonal relationships between parents and children in order to find a way out and change something.

Psychological problems in the relationship between parents and children

For the recovery of children with psychosomatic reactions and illnesses, it is necessary to find out what is the cause of problems in the relationship between parents and children, what is the cause of their internal conflict. Many parents are initially reluctant to admit that their child has serious psychological problems. They consider him small, not understanding adult life, and therefore not having his own desires and experiences. They look for the cause of the disease in external circumstances (for example, bad ecology), sometimes accuse doctors of illiterate treatment and do not understand that family relationships and home atmosphere have the greatest influence on health. Their own increase in blood pressure and heart attack is associated with strong emotions and stress.

Such a discrepancy in views on the causes of adult and childhood diseases is again associated with an underestimation of the personality of the child and insufficient attention to him.

If adults have a headache, they demand sympathy and silence. But they do not pay attention to such complaints of the child and continue to conflict with each other, not worrying that the child hears the cry and all those impartial words that they utter. At the same time, parents can love the child and take care of him to a certain extent. In such situations, the problem lies not in the absence of parental love, but in the inability to build relationships with a daughter or son in such a way as not to injure their psyche, but to promote personal development and health. Psychosomatic illnesses occur more often as a result of repetitive situations that go unnoticed by parents and are perceived as something ordinary, i.e. normal. It is important to understand that if a child is sick all the time, then something is wrong in the family and you need to start correcting mistakes.

The most common causes of psychosomatics in children are incorrectly built family relationships between parents and children: upbringing according to the principle of Cinderella, the idol of the family, or with overprotection. Parents do not use a variety of methods of influencing the child, but focus on a small number of the same type. For example, with the type of upbringing "Cinderella", the child is deprived of love and warmth. Features of the relationship between the child and parents in this case are that the baby is paid attention only in cases of control, criticism, comparison with other children, accusations. In such families, children are often subjected to punishment, including physical punishment. They grow up depressed, with an inferiority complex. Such children are most susceptible to psychosomatic illnesses.

If relations in the family between children and parents are built in such a way that adults bring up an idol in the family, then they allow him a lot, they see manifestations of his genius in everything. The child grows spoiled, strives to be a leader always and everywhere, but is not able to make friends with peers, to be responsible for his actions. Everywhere he wants to stand out and be the best, as in the family, but everything turns out differently, and the child is wounded, suffers from a discrepancy between what is desired and what is real.

If family relations between parents and children involve hyper-guardianship, then adults deprive the child of independence and constantly keep them under their control. The child lives in a depressed emotional state and suffers from many diseases.

If the psychological problem of the relationship between parents and children lies in hypo-custody, then the child does not receive parental care and is left to himself. The lack of positive emotions, affection and communication are transformed into illness as a means of attracting attention.

In the psychology of relations between parents and children, identifying errors in the choice of methods of education and the use of various psychological and pedagogical techniques help to correct the situation. For harmonious development, the child needs encouragement, praise and acceptable types of criticism, punishment, reasonable prohibitions and restrictions, the opportunity to show independence and express their opinion, support from parents. The more techniques parents use in raising their children in different situations, the more adaptive behavior they can teach them.

How to establish and improve a trusting relationship with a child

Changing the psychology of relationships between parents and children must begin with yourself. After admitting your mistakes, it is important to take the first steps to overcome negative emotions and disease-provoking situations. To improve the relationship between parents and children, the following steps should be taken.

1. Do not splash out anger and aggression on others but try to restrain yourself and realize your condition. Say to yourself that you are angry because ... You can say it out loud, but only in a calm tone so that others understand you and do not become infected with aggression and discontent.

2. If you do not know how to build a relationship with a child, learn to talk to him calmly and be interested in his opinion, give him a choice and take into account his desires. Don't force your child to do things they don't want to do.

3. Deep down, you probably love your child., so do not hesitate to show your feelings, demonstrate your best qualities and show affection towards him (hug more often, stroke his head, kiss). This will show your child that you love him, and your relationship will become more trusting and close.

4. Do not show your bad mood to the family and do not tell your child about your many problems. Children very quickly adopt the anxiety state of adults and will worry about you, feel guilty for not being able to help you. To build trust with your child, as you would like, try to cope with personal problems yourself, and if necessary, it is better to consult a psychologist.

5. Watch your state and thoughts. If you often notice that you are annoyed with a child, you have a desire to scold and blame him, then the problem is not related to him, but only to you personally. Try to resolve it, it will help not to take it out on the child.

6. Clearly explain to the child about the existing rules, requirements. He must clearly understand what is possible and what is not and why. Allow your child more than you forbid. To eliminate problems in the relationship between parents and children, be consistent in parenting and adhere to established rules.

7. Give your child enough autonomy and freedom. If he has already grown up, then you do not need to patronize him, as in early childhood, you do not need to follow his every step, wanting to protect him from everything. It will be more useful for him to gradually expand the boundaries and familiarize himself with an independent life. He can solve some issues with other children, choose a sports section and much more himself, without the intervention of parents.

8. Do not focus all your energy and attention on the child. Make time for yourself and your hobbies. This will give you confidence, independence, increase self-esteem and authority in the eyes of the child. You will stop thinking only about him, and your calmness and increased share of your own freedom will benefit him. Just do not move too far away from the child and show attention to him, give affection, communicate with him.

9. Never offend others in the presence of a child, and also do not allow him to do this. If he swung a stick at someone and shouted offensive words, then do not justify him by the fact that he is still small. Be with other adults in the family in this one.

10. Another effective recommendation on how to improve your relationship with your child, - often remember the time when you yourself were small. Let yourself relax and play with your child, have fun and run. This contributes to mutual understanding, helps to get closer, makes relationships more trusting.

11. Try to switch roles with your child. This can be done while playing mother-daughter, while doing household chores. You will learn a lot about yourself and learn to understand each other better. If the child shows a desire to care for pets, help loved ones, then encourage him.

12. Do not hide your feelings from your child and do not replace them with others. Just show them in moderation. So you will be natural in your manifestations and teach your child to rejoice, love, cope with grief, confusion, etc. The substitution of emotions leads to a discrepancy between the internal state and behavior and, as a result, causes irritability and detachment. Often parents try to hide their anxiety, helplessness, fear and become strict, demanding, move away from the child, instead of learning life and growing with him.

13. Do not transfer negative emotions from any person to a child who resembles him. Moreover, do not attribute other people's shortcomings to him. Your child is individual, he probably has a lot of good qualities and there is something to praise him for.

14. And one more important piece of advice on how to build relationships with your child. If possible, take care of raising children yourself and do not give them to grandmothers who tend to constantly worry, worry, fear everything and do not welcome communication with peers. Such upbringing can have a great impact on the child's personality in spite of your pedagogical methods. Usually, children who grew up in the care of their grandmother are characterized by insecurity, increased anxiety, and many fears. They have many difficulties in communicating with their peers.

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Relationships between adult children and parents

Hi guys.
Today we will talk about the importance of the relationship between adult children and parents. Have you ever thought about when children become adults? Personally, it always seemed to me that this should happen immediately after graduation from school or college, but in reality a person becomes like this when he moves to live separately or begins to take full responsibility for his actions.

It is then that already grown children and parents face serious problems, whose relationships can become a little strained or completely stop.

Why is everything happening this way? Are all people doomed to endless quarrels with their children when they become adults? Of course, this is not always the case. Interestingly, each person makes his own choice in how to solve such problems. Some prefer to ignore the situation and pretend that the psychological problem does not exist. Others live in constant quarrels that make mothers, fathers and children equally unhappy.

Watch at least one episode of Honey, We're Killing Children. Families with terrible relationships. I sincerely hope that things are not so bad in most families.

Putting up with a problematic relationship is wrong, because you can settle the issue before it's too late. In any case, parents are the closest and dearest people to us, and time, as you know, does not spare anyone.

What today seems like an irreconcilable difference will later become empty and completely unimportant. Is it worth missing the chance to get closer to your loved one?

If you agree that the relationship between parents and adult children should be filled with love and mutual understanding, we will try to understand the main causes of the generation gap.

Why do parents suffer?

• "We were hoping you would do as we wish!"

If your mother dreamed of you becoming a doctor, and instead you chose the profession of an economist or lawyer for yourself, this may well be the cause of many disputes. It's good to follow in the footsteps of your parents or realize what they always wanted, but only if you really want it.

Parents should understand that their lifestyle does not necessarily become yours. There is nothing condemnatory in this. However, mom and dad need to be explained that this or that decision was not made in spite of them. Never forget that your life belongs to you and only you.

• "We dreamed of being proud of you!"

Children will always be a source of pride for their parents, but sometimes they show it the wrong way. Sometimes it stereotypes destroy harmony in relationship. The fact is that each person has his own understanding of right and wrong deeds, as well as standards of behavior. Boasting about the achievements of their children is more common for mothers, but fathers also arrange small competitions among themselves. In order to please your parents, it is not necessary to become an Olympic champion or a billionaire. Sometimes it’s enough just to call in time, collect a bouquet of wild flowers or cook a delicious dinner..

• "We hoped you would appreciate us more!"

It is unlikely that young and promising people who still have a whole life ahead of them have to think about how their parents feel. From an early age, mom and dad give everything they have to make the baby happy. When a child appears in a family, the rest of the world goes by the wayside. At one time, you became the meaning of your parents' lives, so in return they expect at least care. Can you blame them for this?

1. call them
2. To pay attention
3. Send a postcard
4. Give a gift

Show that you appreciate them. After all, they have invested so much love and care in you. The least you can do is show them that you still love them and grateful to them. Oftentimes, acknowledging how important the other person is to you helps resolve a lot of conflicts. If you're wondering what gift to give, I have a tip for the mom-daughter relationship. Many will like these parent-child relationship pendants. Any mother or daughter will be pleased to receive such a sign of attention.

The role of parents in the lives of adult children is no longer so noticeable, therefore they lack attention and love. Every person, sooner or later, flies out of his father's nest and forgets about his parents. Of course, you need to arrange your personal life and career, but the older generation just needs your participation.

Spend family holidays together, do not forget to call for no reason and just find out how things are going. When there are difficult moments in life, we all, first of all, remember our parents. However, they need us all the time.

What do adult children suffer from?

• “I don’t have time for my parents, I need to work and build my personal life!”

When you live together, it is mom and dad who take care of you, help in everything and annoy you with their guardianship. Get used to it, you all take it for granted and this is a terrible mistake. What we have, we do not store, as they say. Only after the beginning of an independent life will you be able to understand how much love and care your parents put into each of your meetings. Who else will love you as sincerely and unselfishly? In fact, it is not at all difficult to devote time to loved ones, you just need to want it.

• “You constantly climb where you don’t need to!”

Such mistakes very often cause serious problems and disagreements with the child. The thing is that they are extremely It's hard to come to terms with the fact that you're growing up. It's no secret that for mom and dad you will always be a child. If their excessive interest in your work or personal life causes a lot of trouble and trouble, the problem needs to be addressed. Exploding for any reason and making scandals is so childish, to be honest. Surprise your loved ones try to talk about it calmly and explain your point of view without bursts of emotion. Yes, they are incorrigible, but at least you try!

• “I want to be myself, not who you imagine me to be!”

Many parents constantly want to remake their child for themselves. In a family of successful lawyers, it is quite difficult to be a dancer or an artist. That is why, under the constant pressure of reproaches and discontent of the older generation, children feel extremely uncomfortable. Don't be afraid to open up! By hiding your true nature from your parents, you show your fears and insecurities. This is what gives them the power to control your consciousness. The psychology of family relationships will never be simple. Be yourself, because it will help you become a happy person. Loving parents will see the shining eyes of their child and will never stand in your way again.

What can be done to improve the relationship between parents and children?

First of all, children need to be patient and understanding, because parents always rely on their rich life experience. It is very difficult to convince them. However, you need to be persistent and firm in your decisions. Perhaps all their harmfulness was aimed at to develop a strong personality in you.

remains very serious the problem of showing feelings towards parents. Children think that it is no longer necessary to talk about their love for mom and dad, that this is a self-evident fact. In fact, this can and should be discussed. Fathers and mothers need to respect their children and their choice. You don't want to lose your dearest people, do you?

So after reading this article, call or write to your children or parents and tell them how much you love them. No need to wait for some special moment. It is in your power to make this moment special for them. This is how you can build relationships between adult children and parents.

Mom, dad, my future kids, I love you!

With love (what else?),
June

Natalia Kaptsova - expert in psychology and success

Reading time: 13 minutes

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Oh those parents! First, they force us to go to kindergarten and wash our hands before eating, put away toys and tie shoelaces, then get an education, behave civilly, not communicate with bad guys and put on hats in the cold. Years pass, our babies are already born, and we ... all continue to rebel against the parental "yoke" . What is the complexity of the relationship between us, adults, and already elderly parents? And how can we understand each other?

The main problems in the relationship between older parents and adult children - solutions.

Grown-up children are a constant internal conflict: love for parents and irritation, a desire to visit them more often and lack of time, resentment for misunderstanding and the inevitable feeling of guilt. There are many problems between us and our parents, and the older we are with them, the more serious the conflicts of generations. The main problems of elderly "fathers" and grown-up children:

• Elderly parents, due to age, “start up” p irritability, capriciousness, touchiness and categorical judgments. The children have not enough patience , nor the strength to respond to such changes properly.

• The level of anxiety of elderly parents sometimes rises above the maximum mark. And few people think that unreasonable anxiety is associated with diseases of this age.
• Most older parents feel lonely and abandoned. Children are the only support and hope. Not to mention that sometimes children become almost the only thread of communication with the outside world. Communication with children and grandchildren is the main joy for elderly parents. But our own problems seem like enough excuse to “forget” to call or “fail” to visit them.

• The habitual care of one's children is often develops into excessive control . In turn, matured children do not want, as in school days, to account for their every action. Control is irritating, and anger eventually turns into conflict.
• The world of an elderly person sometimes narrows down to the size of his apartment: work remains beyond the retirement age, nothing depends on the important decisions of an elderly person, and participation in public life is also in the past. Closing in 4 walls with his thoughts and anxieties, an elderly person finds himself alone with his fears. Observation develops into suspiciousness and suspicion. Trust in people is dissolved in various phobias, and experiences are splashed out with indignation and reproaches at the only people who can listen - at children.

• Memory problems. It's good if the old people just forget about your birthday. It is worse when they forget to close doors, faucets, gas valves, or even the way home. And, unfortunately, not all children have a desire to understand this age-related problem and “insure” their parents.
• Vulnerable psyche. Due to age-related changes in the brain, people in old age are very sensitive to criticism and carelessly thrown words. Any reproach can cause long resentment and even tears. Children, swearing at the "capriciousness" of their parents, do not see the need to hide their displeasure - they are offended in response or quarrel according to the traditional "you are unbearable!" and “Well, what did I do wrong again ?!”.

• Parents must live separately. Everyone knows that coexisting under one roof with two completely different families is hard. But "love from afar" many children perceive as the need to minimize communication. Although separation does not at all imply non-participation in the life of parents. Even being at a distance, you can “stay close” to your parents, supporting them and taking part in their lives.
• For mom and dad, their child, even at 50, will be a child. Because parental instinct doesn't have an expiration date. But grown-up children no longer need the “intrusive advice” of the old people, their criticism and educational process - “why again without a hat?”, “Why do you need to go there”, “you don’t wash the refrigerator correctly”, etc. The grown-up child gets annoyed, protests and tries to stop This is an "intervention" in privacy.

• Health every year becomes more and more precarious. Once young, but now locked in the bodies of old people, parents find themselves in a situation where it is difficult to do anything without outside help, when there is no one to “give a glass of water”, when it is scary that no one will be there at the time of a heart attack. Young, busy children understand all this, but still do not feel their responsibility for their relatives old people - “Mom again talked on the phone for an hour and a half about her sores! I would have called at least once to ask how I personally am doing! ” Unfortunately, awareness comes to most children too late.
• Grandmothers and grandchildren. Older children believe that grandmothers are meant to babysit their grandchildren. Regardless of how they feel, whether they want to babysit, whether older parents have other plans. Consumer attitudes very often result in conflict. True, the reverse situation is not uncommon: grandmothers visit their grandchildren almost daily, reproaching the “careless mother” for the wrong educational approach and “breaking” all the educational schemes built by this “mother”.

• Any newfangled trends are perceived by conservative elderly parents with hostility. They are satisfied with striped wallpaper, old favorite armchairs, retro music, a familiar approach to business, and a whisk instead of a food processor. It is almost impossible to convince parents to change furniture, move, throw away “this terrible picture” or buy a dishwasher. It is also perceived with hostility and the modern way of life of grown-up children, unscrupulous youth, stupid songs and manner of dressing.
• Increasingly, thoughts of death slip into conversations. Annoyed, children refuse to understand that in old age, talking about death is not a horror story to scare children, and not a “play” on their feelings in order to “bargain” more attention for themselves (although this happens), but a natural phenomenon. A person begins to relate to death the more calmly, the higher the age bar. And the desire to foresee the problems of children associated with the death of their parents is natural.

• Abrupt mood swings in an elderly person are not just "capriciousness", but very serious changes in the hormonal status and the body as a whole. Do not rush to be angry with your parents - their mood and behavior does not always depend on them. Someday, standing in their place, you yourself will understand this.

Rules for communicating with elderly parents - help, attention, family traditions and cute rituals.

• Think small family traditions - for example, a weekly Skype session with your parents (if you are hundreds of kilometers apart), a family dinner every Sunday, a weekly meeting with the whole family for a picnic, or “gatherings” in a cafe every second Saturday.

• We get annoyed when once again our parents try to teach us about life. But it's not about the advice that parents give us, but about the attention. They want to feel needed, and they are afraid of losing their significance. It is not at all difficult to thank my mother for the advice and say that her advice was very helpful. Even if you do it your own way.
• Let your parents take care of you. There is no point in constantly proving independence and “adulthood”. Let mom and dad scold for not having a hat in the cold, pack pies “to go if you get hungry” and criticize for being too frivolous appearance - this is their “work”. Be indulgent - you will always remain a child for your parents.
• Don't try to reform your parents. They love us for who we are. Give them back, they deserve it.

• Be attentive to your parents . Don't forget to call them and come visit. Bring grandchildren and demand from your children that they also call their grandparents. Take an interest in health, and be always ready to help. Regardless of whether you need to bring medicine, help with washing windows or fixing a leaky roof.
• Think of an activity for parents. For example, buy them a laptop and teach them how to use it. On the Internet, they will find a lot of useful and interesting things for themselves. In addition, modern technological innovations make the brain work, and by retirement you can even find a job on the Internet (freelance) with the help of children, of course, as a pleasant “bonus”. And most importantly - you will always be in touch. If dad loves to work with wood, help him set up his workshop and find the materials he needs. And mom can be introduced to one of the types of hand-made creativity - fortunately, there are a lot of them today.

• Don't exploit your parents - "You are a grandmother, so your task is to sit with your grandchildren." Maybe your parents dream of driving around the Russian hills and taking pictures of the sights. Or they just feel bad, but they can't refuse you. Your parents gave you their whole life - they deserve the right to rest. If the situation is reversed, do not refuse parents to meet with their grandchildren. No one will “spoil” your children (they haven’t spoiled you), but “spoiling the kids” a little bit hasn’t hurt anyone yet. Remember yourself, grandparents are always the closest people after their parents. Who will always understand, feed / water and never betray. Children are extremely important for their affection and love.

• Often, elderly parents flatly refuse to accept material assistance from their children and even help themselves to the best of their ability. Do not "sit down" on the neck of your parents and do not consider such behavior natural. Help for parents is always needed. When treating parents in a consumer way, consider that your children are looking at you. And imagine that after a while you will be in the place of your parents.
• Old people feel lonely. Have time to find time and patience to listen to their problems, advice, stories about the days spent in the garden, and even criticism. Many adult children, losing their parents, then feel guilty for their irritation for the rest of their lives - "a hand reaches for the receiver, I want to hear a voice, but there is no one to call." Choose words when communicating with parents. Do not upset them with rudeness or an accidentally dropped "blunder" - elderly parents are vulnerable and defenseless.

• Make sure your parents are as comfortable as possible. But at the same time, do not try to put them “in a cage” - “I provide them, buy food, do everything around the house for them, send them to a sanatorium for the summer, but they are always dissatisfied with something.” This is all great, of course. But people who are not burdened with any work at all, even at a young age, begin to go crazy with boredom. Therefore, saving your parents from hard work, leave them their pleasant chores. Let them feel their usefulness and need. Let them check the lessons with their grandchildren if they want, and cook dinners if they want. Let them clean your room - it's not a disaster if your blouses are on another shelf and evenly folded. “Mom, what’s the best way to cook meat?”, “Dad, we’re planning to build a bathhouse here – can you help with the project?”, “Mom, thanks for cleaning up, otherwise I’m completely wrapped up”, “Mom, let’s buy you new shoes? » etc.

• Do not respond with criticism for criticism or resentment for resentment. This is the road to nowhere. Mom swears? Approach her, hug, kiss, say kind words - the quarrel will dissolve in the air. Is dad unhappy? Smile, hug your dad, tell him that without him you would not have achieved anything in this life. It is impossible to continue to be angry when a sincere stream of love from your child falls on you.
• A little more about coziness and comfort. For older people, "locked" in their apartment (house), the environment around them is extremely important. It's not even about cleanliness and properly working plumbing and appliances. And in comfort. Surround your parents with this comfort. Taking into account their interests, of course. Let the interior be pleasant, let beautiful things surround parents, let the furniture be comfortable, even if it is a rocking chair that you hate - as long as they feel good.
• Be patient with any age-related changes and manifestations. This is the law of nature, no one has canceled it. By understanding the roots of the emotionality of older parents, you will be able to bypass all the sharp corners in the relationship in the least painful way.

• Do not get carried away surrounded by your parents care. Be careful - perhaps too intrusive help hits their sense of helplessness even more. Parents don't want to get old. And here you are - with a warm new plaid blanket and vouchers to a sanatorium for sick old people. Be interested in what they lack, and start from this.

And remember, the happy old age of your old people is in your hands.

If you liked our article and have any thoughts about it, please share with us. It is very important for us to know your opinion!

In any human relationship there is a spoken or tacit agreement: "You are for me, I am for you." That's what psychologists say. This unwritten rule also applies to the relationship between parents and children. Okay, but what about parent, child / filial debt? Should children only pay it when their parents were "good"? And if they were not ideal, it turns out that there is no need to repay the debt? ..

They say that when a woman gives birth to a child, the umbilical cord does not disappear anywhere (although in reality it is cut off, as expected). The meaning of this statement is that the mother always, throughout her life, feels a connection with the child, feels what is happening to him. After all, a child is a part of her body that has simply separated and lives its own life. The mother never stops loving him (of course, now we are talking about normal mothers).

But children grow up and begin to live independently, they acquire their own families, children. And the mother takes a backseat. But she needs daughter and son love, warmth, attention, now she needs it even more than before. She feels the need to communicate with her children, so that they come, call, write letters. She wants them to share with her the events that take place in their lives, joys and problems, successes and failures. If this does not happen and the children move away, the mother suffers. She may not say it, but it is.

All this applies not only to the mother, but also to the father. But mothers are more likely to worry about this. Fathers endure such a situation more calmly and accept it as it is.

Adult children and parents: relationship models

There are three types of relationships between mature children and their parents. All of them cannot be called harmonious. Here they are.

There are fathers and mothers who never have enough. Even if the offspring take care of them, help them, the ancestors are unhappy with what they are given and want something more. Whatever the children do, parents do not thank for it, but, on the contrary, express complaints. For example, why did they visit them today and not yesterday, because they promised to come the day before? Why did they buy them tickets to a suburban boarding house, because they wanted to go to Turkey? Such dissatisfaction is expressed all the time. Now let's think: if adult children constantly hear criticism addressed to them, will they want to do something for their parents, or will their only thought be the desire to isolate themselves from them?

Some moms and dads go to the other extreme - they refuse everything. Whatever help the children offer, the ancestors always say that they do not need anything. When they are offered money, they say: “No, no, spend it on yourself, we don’t need anything!”. Mom and dad are ready to limit themselves in everything, instead they financially help their son or daughter, although they are completely independent. If this continues all the time, over time, the daughter and son take this state of affairs for granted, and believe that mom and dad really don’t need anything.

There is another kind of relationship. Here, grown-up children prefer to forget about the existence of their parents, as they blame them for their problems, failures in fate and personal life. But their parents didn't always mistreat their children, abuse them, or even abandon them. No, they could be quite normal mother and father, although, of course, like all living people, they could make educational mistakes.

Having matured, children begin an independent life, and this is normal. They must become autonomous individuals, fulfill their life program, prove themselves. Otherwise, their life cannot be called complete. But some moms and dads put obstacles in their way. They try to constantly interfere in their lives, condemn their choices, criticize their decisions (we will talk about this in more detail below). It makes children suffer.

The fact is that relationships with parents are very significant in the life of every person. They are the first people we see when we are born. They give us a model of the world, family, relationships between people. And we unconsciously follow this pattern.

Therefore, whatever mother and father may be (with all their shortcomings), one must learn to accept them as they are, forgive their shortcomings and appreciate their virtues. They did everything they could, given the level of their then understanding.

Mother and daughter: what are the reasons for the misunderstanding?

The relationship between an adult daughter and her mother is especially difficult. With all the love for each other, these two women - old and young - often cannot find a common language. One woman said that she lives with her beloved man in a civil marriage. She is doing well, only upset with her mother. She is offended that her daughter rarely calls her, rarely visits her. Mom reproaches her daughter for not sharing the details of her life with her.

The daughter says that she moved away from her mother for a simple reason: her mother constantly criticizes her. Either she doesn’t like her daughter’s new dress, or she cooked the soup incorrectly, or she does the wrong thing (her daughter signed up for art painting courses on fabrics), or she doesn’t behave well with her common-law husband, etc. Mom behaves as if she knows better how her daughter should live: how to dress, cook, what courses to attend, etc. And the daughter wants to live without outside advice and do what she sees fit. Therefore, she increasingly has a desire to reduce communication with her mother. The daughter feels guilty, soulless, worried about this. But he can't help himself. She would like to correct the situation, but does not see a way.

How to Build Smart Relationships with Adult Children

One of the biggest mistakes parents make is thinking that their children owe them something. They say that their parents raised them, spent time and effort on this, so now the children owe them for this. But to be honest, in fact, children do not owe their parents anything. After all, it was not they who made the decision about their coming into this world, the parents themselves wanted it. Therefore, it is unethical to talk about "unrequited debt".

Another thing is that caring for your parents, warm feelings for them is a normal human manifestation. Duty is a cold word (they say, “I don’t want to, but I have to”). But love for parents is quite another, it is a living movement of the soul.

In order for relationships to be built favorably, parents need to remember the rules of behavior with adult, independent children. In no case should they be taught and controlled, this will only lead to their distance. We must respect the choice of our children, let them live their lives (even if their choice is not to their liking). We must not interfere, but simply be there and be ready to help.

But adult offspring should also take into account the needs of mom and dad. After all, they don't need much. They crave attention, they want children to call them, be interested in their life and tell about their own. This is important not only for maintaining contacts, but also as an example for new generations of the family.

Psychologists believe that there is one pattern. People who considered mother and father to be a burden and a hindrance, in their old age will become a burden and a hindrance to their adult children. But the children who treated them with love, warmth and care, in old age will receive the same from their own children. Family patterns of behavior are repeated.

In general, so that parents do not feel unnecessary and lonely, they need to look for their own meaning in life, to be autonomous from children. There are many interesting activities that can fill life. It:

• the Internet,
• communication in social networks,
• sports and fitness,
• taking pictures,
• walks, trips, excursions,
• communication with friends,
• exciting, etc.

A person himself can fill his life with meaning, no one will do it for him. Here the inner mood, need, desire is important. Try different activities and find ones that bring you joy.

Take the test This simple test will allow you to get to know yourself better.

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