Marriage and family problems. Crises in family life and how to deal with them

13.08.2019

Sometimes the question suddenly arises: when did they actually begin, the problems of family life? Really, when do they start? It seems that crises have always served as a free supplement to marriage. In fact, this is not so, and the new developments of psychologists inspire optimism and hope! Problems can be solved and crises overcome.

It is believed that the critical years of marriage are the third, fifth and seventh. However, experience has shown that often family problems immediately following the act of marriage.

As a rule, the first family crises occur almost imperceptibly and seem to stop by themselves. “So it’s natural,” you say. — tender feeling, passion, a small burden of everyday problems make people more tolerant of each other. Sociopsychologists explain it this way: at the very early period During marriage, newlyweds avoid contradictions and criticism, thereby wishing to maintain a friendly atmosphere in the family and not hurt the feelings of the other. As time passes, the hidden tensions grow, and the couple finds themselves on the brink of a fight all the time.

Irritation is growing, there are no constructive ways to resolve this situation. As a result, spouses either constantly quarrel, or one of them sacrifices himself for “well-being”. Often, each of them firmly believes in their own "sacrifice", not noticing the "sacrifice" of their partner.

Mutual indignation grows. On such a “favorable foundation” more and more new difficulties are rapidly built up - and then the saving light is no longer visible behind the heap of intricacies of human relations.

What difficulties do spouses face almost immediately after marriage, and how can they be overcome without dramatic consequences?

Domestic difficulties

After the first months of marriage, the newlyweds are faced with the need to form intra-family rules and procedures, primarily the so-called external rules: who is responsible for what in the family, who cleans, who cooks, who earns money, who organizes holidays, etc. It is worth negotiating about such things, not being afraid to express your criticism and disagreement. The reasons for the disagreement: each of the spouses comes to a new family from the parental family, in which all these rules and procedures have long been established and, most importantly, work. Well, if, according to the experience of living in parental families, the spouses differ slightly from each other, then it will be easier for them to agree.

Way to family happiness: if you can’t agree, try playing family rules and roles. For example, you have some "point" of family rules, in relation to which you and your spouse adhere to directly opposite points of view. One of the options is to exchange points of view and with all the perseverance and numerous arguments to prove to the opponent that he is right.

Another option is to accept both points of view; only for a week you live “according to your husband”, and a week “according to your wife”. And so for a month. The meaning of this psychological technique lies in the fact that the situation from the conflict goes into the game, thereby reducing the tension. At the same time, you have the opportunity to feel the position of the spouse, and not just "stand your ground." And most importantly, thanks to such a game, it will be easier for each of the newlyweds to understand where his position is true, and where the upholding of the rules taken from the parental system, which, in turn, will facilitate the formation of their own rules unique for each family.

Difficulties in sharing power

Often in a married couple, such an essentially non-constructive question arises: “Who is the boss in the house?” It is unconstructive for the simple reason that, in fact, for the successful functioning of the family, it is necessary to share responsibilities and priority areas, and, consequently, responsibilities between spouses.

Causes of disagreement: in most cases, the struggle for absolute leadership is characteristic of a man. The main reason is that from time immemorial a stereotype has developed in society: the head of the family is the husband, and the wife must obey him and obey him in absolutely everything. However modern women(and men too) are often not ready to follow this scenario.

The path to family happiness: family therapy proposes to bring this situation to the point of absurdity, that is, to recognize the power of the husband in everything. Let him make the final decision about what food to buy, how often to clean the floor, what cloth to dust, whether to put parsley in the soup or not, what program to watch, how you cut your hair, what polish to paint your nails, what to wear to work today and when return from it. Feel free to call him at work if you forgot to ask something at home. Believe me: after a while, a man will howl from his absolute power and look at the possibility of a constructive dialogue with different eyes.

Difficulties intimate

However, in family life there are also such essential things about which it is more difficult to agree. For example, the rules of sexual behavior. In fact, this is the second language in which spouses communicate. Often in bed they behave similarly to how they feel in the family. Sometimes in the sexual behavior of a partner it is easy to see an unspoken message about what does not suit him, what is missing, what he is offended by in family life.

The reasons for the disagreement: whether we like it or not, but the mother for a man is, in a certain sense, the archetype of a woman. After all, in fact, the mother of your man was the first woman he saw, next to whom he lived, learned to communicate and formed as a person over the years.

The path to family happiness: it is worth paying close attention to this woman and her relationship with her son. Of course, this does not mean at all that the wife should ideally copy the mother-in-law, abandoning her own individuality, thereby ensuring peace and tranquility in the family on long years. Such thoughtless imitation can also be very dangerous for a marriage. The fact is that each man develops relations with his mother in his own way, and they are far from always cloudless and harmonious. For example, if a man has a lot of conflict with his mother, you can be sure that such conflict interaction with women is likely to be carried over into marital relations. AT this case imitating the mother-in-law is more likely to aggravate the conflict in marriage. If we analyze the conflict points in parental family husband (wife) and skillfully bypass them in a couple's relationship, you can really avoid many difficulties in relationships.

Dear users of the All Psychologists website, today we are pleased to present to your attention an interview with a counseling psychologist on family and child-parent relationships, interpersonal problems, a developer and leader of author's trainings, NLP practitioner Shenderova Elena Sergeevna

- Hello, Elena. We are very pleased that you took the time and agreed to answer our questions.

Hello Saida. I would like to thank you for the honor and I will be glad to talk with you.

- Elena, I would like to talk about such an important topic - family problems. As practice shows, a very large number of requests for help to our site come precisely to the family relations section. Therefore, today my questions will relate to the most common problems in couples Oh.

Well, I have to work with couples very often, and I think I have something to tell you.

- OK. Then the first question. What family problems do you most often come to?

It is difficult to make a gradation and determine which appeals are more, since the range of these problems is very diverse, but basically these are the following family problems:

relationship problems between young spouses associated with the formation of joint family values, with the need to adapt to new roles, to the partner himself, his views, interests, moral and moral values, life goals and attitudes, ways of responding to conflicts, behavior in everyday life and in stressful situations;
the problem of emotional cooling between spouses in child's birth period- this is a period of crisis, when there is often a cooling and estrangement between spouses - a woman (mother, wife) is immersed in caring for a child, and a man begins to feel abandoned, a feeling that is further exacerbated by a decrease in self-esteem as a father, his authority, due to the fact that the mother knows more on an instinctive level what the child needs, why he cries, what he wants, and the man cannot figure it out, and often the care of the child falls on the woman, who also needs help and support from the man during this period. Here, it is important for spouses to realize and accept new roles for them and adapt to them, build relationships with each other not only in relations between husband and wife, but also between father and mother;
relationship problems between spouses middle age, during the passage of one of the spouses of the crisis period of middle age, often accompanied by infidelity and leaving the family (mostly men). There is a reassessment of all life achievements - a marriage partner, a career; the realization that most of life has already been lived, that all the choices have been made, that the years are passing, there is a fear of what lies ahead. Therefore, during this period, it is often men who start relationships on the side, as if trying to re-live life, to feel like a full-fledged man, still able to please women, but gradually this veil of illusions subsides and the realization of the irreversibility of time comes, and men often return to the family , to the wife and children, who, in turn, can also find it very difficult to understand what motivated the spouse and accept him;
there are also problems associated with the growing up of children, when grown-up children leave and live their own lives (crisis of the "empty nest"). However, in our country there is a specificity associated with the fact that generations (fathers and children) often continue to live under the same roof, the internal boundaries of the family are being erased, which negatively affects the life of a young family. In such a situation, both a young family and a parent, it is important to understand how to build new relationships in order to allow each family to live their own lives and respect their relatives;
it is also very common situations where a woman is subjected to violence by her husband and she does not have the strength to resist this and break this vicious circle. At the same time, a woman is looking for an excuse (thoughts that she does not deserve more; feeling guilty in front of her children), while suffering humiliation and insult, beatings and threats. She needs help and support to see the situation from the outside, possible consequences find resources to overcome the current situation;
problems between spouses arising from the fact that one of them has different kind addictions (alcohol, gaming, sexual, food, etc.). It is also generally more disturbing for women who seek to help their husbands, continuing to live only in the hope of change, while they themselves fall into codependency, not understanding and not realizing that the husband's personality has already undergone changes, and that they continue to live with the wrong person. a person who was known, but already with his "illness";
I am often approached with problems related to the behavior of children, issues of education, habits of children, their personality traits and characteristics;

All this is just a small list of problems that occur in the practice of a psychologist - there are other family problems that are also difficult for people - the loss of a partner or children, divorce and its consequences for former spouses and children, experiencing a serious illness and many others.

- Do you have any specific schemes when working with married couples?

When working with couples, efficiency is important - I work with families as a whole system. First, it is important to understand what may lie at the bottom of the problem (since sometimes couples come with completely everyday problems, behind which lie deep feelings that they hide from each other, and sometimes from themselves). Based on the alleged essence of the problem, work is carried out with family members. The main technique is a circular interview, which helps each family member to speak out on the problem, to voice what each of them thinks and feels. This helps to hear each other, and not to make assumptions for the partner, which helps to reveal the family symptom, helps to identify intra-family resources needed to overcome the problem. Each identified symptom must be positively reformulated so that all family members can see what they received, what needs they were trying to satisfy. As part of the contract concluded with family members, after the completion of each session, prescriptions are given (a kind of family homework, which varies by problem), which they undertake to comply with. There are also certain techniques work with couples, which help to work out all the internal family problems and establish communication ties.

This approach contributes to increased accountability and speedy resolution of problems. All this together helps to most accurately detect the problem, understand what role it played, find ways to resolve it (means that are constructive for the family to meet the needs of each of them), which contributes to building trusting relationships between spouses, between parents and children, open expression of feelings and emotions, intimacy, restoring harmonious and supportive relationships.

A joint visit to the training of family relations contributes to their further improvement.

When approached with a problem in family relationships, can it be resolved by working with only one family member?

Often couples are aware of the existence of problems, but not everyone decides to come together - because this means that the problem is real and they have to face it face to face, and this is not easy. Therefore, one of the spouses comes more often (both wives and husbands apply), more often, of course, women, since they are more emotional and feel the problem, and most importantly, they have a need to solve it (if a man is able to suppress these emotions inside himself, then a woman openly expresses them). If the stated problem is related to the relationship between spouses (relationship style, quarrels, conflicts), then these problems can be resolved by working with one of the spouses, since the changes that occur with one of them (as with an element of the system) will begin to change the entire system, which will also contribute to the transition of relations between spouses to a new higher level.

If the source of the problem is connected with the primary personal claims (and family problems are, as a result, secondary) of one of the spouses (and he refuses the help of a psychologist), then work, nevertheless, is possible indirectly through the spouse present, although this complicates therapy and postpones the result in time.

- Is it possible to say that when a family problem arises, someone alone is to blame?

It can never be said that only one of the spouses is to blame for the occurrence of problems within the family. Both spouses always contribute to family problems, and the rejection of one’s guilt and accusations of the partner (believing that it is the spouse who must change and adapt) speaks of a desire to shift responsibility from oneself, of an immature, infantile, selfish, if you like, childish a position that does not contribute to constructive solutions to emerging problems.

- What happens to the psyche of the child, during the conflict of parents?

Often, children tend to blame themselves for the discord between their parents, seeing how one of them (again, more often the mother) suffers, suffers humiliation, insults, betrayal, etc. The mother hides behind the child as a shield, blaming herself for depriving the child of the father. That is, there is a double charge. Thus, the mother shifts all responsibility from herself onto the shoulders of this little man who is simply unable to bear this burden, let alone save the marriage of his parents. These are not his functional tasks, the child grows up with a sense of guilt that his parents are unhappy because of him, that he is bad, that he needs to be better so that his parents are happy. Justifying yourself as a child is fundamentally unacceptable! The child has a number of psychological complexes and problems that prevent him from building his own life.

- Is it possible to protect the child's psyche from traumatic effects during the occurrence of family problems?

Quarrels are almost inevitable in family life, but it is important for parents to adhere to some rules: do not sort things out in front of the child; not to blame and criticize the other parent in front of the child, trying to find his ally in him; do not use blackmail in relation to the child (this happens especially often when parents are divorced - for example, "if you communicate with your father, you will not get a computer"). And in order to help the child form an idea of the family, it is necessary to try to be an example for the child - an example of the relationship between a woman and a man, between a father and mother, between a child and parents - to show respect and love for each other, then such an environment will be psychologically healthy for the child.

Is, in your opinion, virtual communication with members of the opposite sex a symptom of a family problem?

The presence of virtual communication does not always indicate the internal problems of the family. It depends on what exactly the partner receives from this connection, why he needs it: whether he satisfies with this connection those needs that he cannot satisfy in the family with his spouse (attention, authority, closeness, warmth, care, etc.) ; or - the partner has his own intrapersonal problems (complexes, fears, unsatisfied feelings in the past), and thus virtual communication helps him to satisfy this. In all situations, it is important to understand that this is not a solution to the problem, but only a kind of illusory way out of solving it, creating an increasingly strong vicious circle around your problem, which only leads to distance from your partner, coldness, and closure. Therefore, it is important to learn to understand your problems and try to solve them together, because help and support loved one will help to cope with everything and save the family.

- What is the role of the parents of the spouses in the occurrence of family problems?

In cases where the parents of the spouse have a great influence on their already grown child and do their best to "help" to do to your child right choice, find the right partner, show how and what needs to be done correctly - conflicts and quarrels between generations often arise. Sometimes the spouse's parents have great influence and cannot emotionally let go of the child, which only deprives this person of independence, maturity, and own life. Parents also try to live life for their adult child, and the other spouse quite naturally perceives this style of behavior and communication as an invasion of their lives, a violation of personal boundaries, in which case the couple's life together is threatened. Therefore, it is important for parents to realize that everyone is responsible for his own destiny and his life, has the right to choose the partner whom he simply loves. Parents need to allow their adult child to make mistakes on their own in order to gain experience with them. This does not mean that it is necessary to break off all relations with the child - no - it is important to put his life in his hands, but simply to be able to listen to him when he needs it.

Even in the absence of obvious actual intervention of parents in the life of spouses, each of the latter puts into family relations elements of the style that was in the family of their parents. In many ways, the life of a young family is a reflection of the scenarios that existed in the families of the parents of both spouses.

How to help a young married couple build relationships with their parents in order to avoid conflicts and misunderstandings?

There are several options for how the family life of a young couple develops, and for each of them specific recommendations can be given:

If a couple lives with the parents of one of the spouses, it is important to build harmonious relationships with their parents, while maintaining the integrity of their small family. To begin with, it is better to agree on family responsibilities- on this basis, there are most quarrels - who will do what (cook, clean, shop, pay bills ...), how the budget will be kept, who and what will buy in the house, etc. - to reduce potential misunderstandings to a minimum. If they live with their husband, then it is important for the daughter-in-law to build a relationship with her mother-in-law - and here it is important not to go to war with her, but to look for an ally in her - to ask and be interested in her life, son (what he loves, what his interests are, maybe he is sick. ..), what she cooks and how, just ask for advice, be interested in her hobbies, what she likes, you can even make small gifts sometimes. All this only says that she will see and feel that she is interesting, that her opinion is significant, that no one is trying to break and lead her away and set her son against her - this is the traditional, most common option. If they live with their wife, then already the situation is more difficult the situation is with the husband - since a man has a need to be a master and be responsible for his family, wife, home. But in that territory, he does not feel like such, since there is a father of his wife, who is the owner of the house. But even then it is important to give the husband the opportunity to confirm his male authority - to involve him in household chores, trust him with something, work in the country, improve the territory - in other words, everything that can make a man feel strong.
If the couple lives separately, then it is important to build and maintain relationships with both parents at a distance - to discuss who and when will come to visit, who and what will give, etc. in order to avoid blurring the boundaries of the family and not to let parental overcontrol and attention into the family. It is important to maintain relationships with parents anyway - after all, time takes its toll and parents grow old and they will also need help. The couple, in turn, may also need help (help with the child, talk, consult, support) - this is moral and speaks of the person's personality.

There are also various variations on the theme of where and with whom the couple lives, and, accordingly, various family problems arise. But always the most important thing for a couple is to maintain integrity, while respecting their parents. Also, do not be shy to seek help from a psychologist if it is difficult to figure out and understand how to behave and what to do on your own!

- In your opinion, are there certain family scenarios and is it possible to overcome them?

Undoubtedly, a child grows up in a family and he accepts the relationships that he sees between his parents as normal, this is for him a model of relationships (between a man and a woman, husband and wife). Growing up, he tries to project the imbibed behaviors onto his family. So if a boy grows up without a father, then he has difficulties in building relationships with the opposite sex. Since he did not have the image of a father formed, he did not see how a man behaves in a relationship, it is difficult for him to adapt in the world of sexes and perceive himself as a full-fledged man. This entails a lot of complexes. Also, if a boy grew up without a mother, there is no image of a woman and full-fledged relationships, hence problems arise in relations with women, since he does not know what to expect and what to do.

A woman also faces the same difficulties in relationships if, as a girl, she grew up in a family where there is no father ( family history can be passed on from generation to generation: the grandmother raised her daughter alone, the mother also gave birth to a daughter and is raising her without a father). Then the girl may experience difficulties in building relationships, since she does not have a formed image of a man, she does not know and has not seen how relationships between a man and a woman can be built. She only saw how women live without men. In the future, it can also wait, the same take into account.

Also, a burdened family scenario may haunt a child who was brought up in a family where one of the parents had mental illness(for example, schizophrenia), as this affects the style of education. If it was a mother, then this is more significant, since the task of the mother is to give the child a sense of trust, security, which she cannot give due to her illness. It is very difficult for a child to grow up, experiencing the emotional coldness of the mother, the fact that she pushes him away. However, the most difficult thing for such a child is not to transfer the same style in relation to his children, not to allow himself to project his childhood grievances and unrealized feelings onto them, while continuing to destroy the lives of his children.

But all this is fixable if you turn to a psychologist and understand the sources of your problem, design a future for yourself, with which there will be a place for everything - both happiness and love!

- How difficult is it to overcome the program of the current family scenario?

Really overcome parent script(roles, style of relationships, embedded principles, attitudes ...) is very difficult for a person, since in itself the realization of what happened in the family can be tragic. Therefore, in therapy with such a problem, it is necessary not only to realize the destructive effects of the family script on life, to destroy it, but also to fill the vacuum that has arisen on the ruins of the script with new content. It is necessary to build new guidelines (building and consolidating a new style of interaction, both with a spouse and with children, with parents; work on beliefs and values), which will lead a person along their own path.

It is worth noting that this work will require a lot of time and courage, but in return for this it will be able to enable a person to resolve family problems and build a new life.

- What would you advise our readers to avoid the most common family problems?

To begin with, a young couple should take the very decision to marry seriously - understand what drives them (since there is both destructive and constructive motivation), which influenced their decision to marry. If this is an attempt to escape from some problems (financial, emotional), to prove to parents that you are an adult, to be guided by social labels (it's time to get married), because accidental pregnancy(as an attempt to keep a partner), regarding marriage as an attempt to get away from loneliness - then these motivations do not contribute to building harmonious relations between spouses. Since they are not initially based on trust, respect and love, which means there will be no desire to work on relationships, appreciate them and a partner!

the marriage itself and the beginning life together;
the birth of the first child, including the birth of subsequent children, is also considered separate periods of crisis;
the entry of the child into social institutions;
acceptance of the fact that the child enters adolescence;
children grow up and build their own family, and parents remain alone;
death of one of the spouses.

All these periods are accompanied by problems that arise in the family (quarrels, misunderstanding, distance, emotional coldness, etc.). However, in addition to the listed crises, there are also non-normative crises (which not all families may face): betrayal, divorce, a serious illness of one of the family members, the death of a family member. All these crises can be present in family life, so it is important to know the specifics of family development in order to understand what is happening and how to get out of these difficult situations.

It is also important for young spouses at the dawn of a relationship to harmoniously form communication links between themselves, to learn not to remain silent and not to suppress emerging emotions and feelings, but to voice them constructively, precisely at a sensual level, and not with the help of criticism and accusations (this will only lead to distance and misunderstanding). Thus, the partner will be able to hear the partner, understand him. This will help the couple deal with adversity and resentment together, rather than accumulating them, only destroying trust.

In general, it is important to simply hear and listen to each other, to appreciate and respect both your partner and yourself, then love and trust will reign in your family. And if there are difficulties or problems that are difficult to figure out on your own, you can seek help from a specialist who can help you understand the problem and find a way out.

Elena, thank you for your answers. I think that this information will be very useful to our readers and will help them in resolving family problems. I do not say goodbye to you and I think that soon we will meet again and discuss another interesting topic. Good luck with your business.

Thanks Said. It was my pleasure to answer your questions. It will be my pleasure to meet you again. Goodbye.

A wedding passes, the everyday life of real life begins, and then it turns out that people completely unfamiliar to each other connected their destinies. What is the fate of such a marriage? To answer this question, more right question to begin with, another question arises: is it possible to predict the fate of the families of today's newlyweds? An analysis of the work carried out in the field of marriage and the family by well-known sociologists and psychologists allows us to respond positively to the this question. To this end, a number of studies are devoted to the problem of family well-being, the authors of which each define in their own way the phenomena that affect the well-being of the family, marriage, and its harmony. The essence of some of them will be given below.

Scientists N.E. Korotkov, S.I. Kordon, I.A. Rogova believe that the basis of the strength of family ties is the compatibility of spouses, and compatibility is social and psychological (12, p. 44).

The authors define social compatibility as the similarity of husband and wife, the sameness of their main guidelines and values. There are many aspects in everyone's life - work, leisure, raising children, art, books, material comforts, friends, health concerns, etc. For different people these aspects of life are of varying importance. Therefore, it is necessary to clearly define the extent to which the vital interests of the husband and wife coincide. A significant discrepancy, the authors argue, increases the risk of marriage. Psychological compatibility- a thing even more complicated and less clear. It lies in the difference between husband and wife.

Psychologists have established that, as a rule, dialectics operates here - the opposite is drawn to the opposite. A person seeks to get close to people who have precisely those qualities that he lacks: the indecisive, timid, hesitant sympathizes with the bold, resolute; a quick-tempered, expansive person converges with a calm, even phlegmatic one.

The functioning of the family consists of a number of functioning spheres of family life.

Karel Vitek described a number of significant factors based on the results of his own research, which must be taken into account when entering into marriage, and subsequently have an unconditional impact on the success or failure of the functioning of the family (4, p. 114).

How will fate future family Whether she will be an example of well-being or, on the contrary, will face problems and difficulties that will lead her to disintegration - this, according to K. Vitek, largely depends on the atmosphere where the future spouses grew up. Here, first of all, two points are important: the personal example of parents and the quality of the educational impact on children. Sociological research data show that the divorce of parents increases the probability of a future divorce in children three times, while the probability of divorce of children whose parents are not divorced is one in twenty (4, p. 148).

Marriage is certainly influenced by many factors. It is also indisputable that children perceive from their parents not only a form of behavior, subconscious reactions, various positive or negative habits, but also existing features, models of marital relations. A survey of 800 married men and women, which was conducted in the early 90s in the Russian Federation, showed that the vast majority of those who rated their marriage as "ideal" (83.5%) also rated the marriage of their parents. Those who found difficulties in family life considered their parents' marriage "relatively good" in 69.1% of cases (5, p. 48).

The same relationship was found in conflict situations. The more conflicts there were in parental families, the more often they arose in the families of children. Of those whose parents were in a satisfactory relationship, 48.1% encountered conflicts in their family life. The majority (77.1%) of men and women who grew up in families where parental quarrels were a typical phenomenon, in turn experienced conflicts in their family life.

Based on the data of these studies, M.I. Buyanov formulated the following conclusions:

1. The nature of the relationship of the spouses largely corresponds to the nature of the relationship of their parents.

2. In cases where conflicts between parents crossed all boundaries, resulting in various manifestations of mutual hostility, but it did not come to a divorce, children often perceived such relationships as an anti-model normal family and, entering into marriage, they built their marital relations in a completely different way.

3. If the conflict of the parents reaches an extreme degree and becomes unbearable for both parties, then divorce is more in the interests of the children than the future life of the parents.

The harmony of the family life of parents has other consequences for the future family life of children. So, for example, Karl Witek found that people who positively assessed the marriage of their parents showed more ability to build relationships in their family on the basis of sensitivity, reasonable consent and nobility. 42.8% of respondents from families where harmony reigned between parents showed complete mutual understanding in matters of managing household, while those whose parents divorced showed this quality in 28.3% of cases. Of the 508 respondents, parents whose lives were good, 77.8% like to spend free time with her husband (wife), which is evidence of marital harmony. Out of 326 people in whose parental families there were frequent conflicts, only 63.2% said that it gives them pleasure to spend their free time with their partner in marriage (4, p. 49). Parents whose marriage has developed successfully give their children the most obvious and convincing example of how the joint life of a husband and wife should be built. They complement each other and thus ensure the success of education. The coordinated actions of parents are the most important prerequisite for the successful formation of personality.

K. Vitek devoted several studies to the importance of the personal example of parents for the future family life of children. For example, in a group of 39 "ideal" married couples, the majority answered that their parents served as an example of their married life (69.2%). In the group of 149 married couples in whose relationships certain difficulties were observed, a positive example of parents was noted less often - 58.3% of the respondents.

In another study, the results of a survey of 590 people were as follows (%):

Both parents were examples - 60.0

Parents were not always an example - 31.1

Only mother was an example - 6.0 - only father was an example - 1.2

Did not grow up in a family - 1.7

As can be seen from these data, the majority positively evaluates the example of parents. And yet, a considerable part of the respondents did not have a permanent good example both parents, which in general had a negative impact on their preparedness for family life.

When analyzing the nature of the educational impact of parents on children, the following picture was obtained (a group of 594 people was studied,%):

Inconsistent parenting - 29.7

Overly liberal upbringing - 1.5

And here, along with purposeful education on the part of parents, situations are not uncommon when respondents negatively assess educational impact parents, associating this with the shortcomings of their family life.

The data obtained lead to the conclusion that the nature of upbringing in the parental family largely determines the shape of the future family of children. The most beneficial in this regard is a reasonable upbringing, which includes the necessary exactingness, warm attitude on the part of parents, joint spending of free time, democracy.

An analysis of the reasons for divorces showed that failure in marriage is largely determined by mistakes in choosing a partner, that is, the chosen one either does not have the necessary personality traits, or the totality of his psychophysiological characteristics, views and interests does not correspond to the ideas and needs of the elector. The author notes that disappointment in marriage can occur regardless of the fact that the partner has many of the most positive qualities. It is important that the husband and wife "match" each other on biological and moral factors, including various aspects of upbringing, political, cultural, religious views, or that the partners are tolerant of each other's characteristics.

A lot of educational and educational work is needed to reduce the divorce rate. In this regard, the task of generalizing and theoretical understanding of empirical data in the field of marriage and family relations arises. Considering the prerequisites for future consent, the author highlights the following points (4, p. 55):

The presence in the relationship between a man and a woman of primary attraction and biological compatibility.

We are talking about indefinable inner sympathy, which can be based on such clear reasons as admiration for talent, success, social position, or an external aesthetic ideal. However, often the emergence of sympathy or antipathy is very difficult to explain. Marriage without spontaneous attraction in most cases does not guarantee a successful marriage. However, the presence of sexual harmony is still not enough for full-fledged marital happiness, since there are many other objective psycho-physiological, moral, social differences and needs.

In connection with the problem of biological harmony, a fundamental moral question arises - are premarital sexual contacts justified during the search for a partner? The old church upbringing resolved this issue with dogmatic uncompromisingness. Sexual contacts were allowed only in marriage and only for the purpose of conceiving a child. Currently, views in this area have undergone significant changes. However, the frequent change of partners is quite justifiably condemned by public opinion.

A harmonious marriage presupposes the social maturity of the spouses, readiness for active participation in the life of society, the ability to financially provide for their family. Such qualities as a sense of duty and responsibility for the family, self-control and flexibility are also very important. The intellectual level and nature of the partners should not differ too much (4, p.57).

The author conducted a study in a group of 476 married men and married women. They were asked what qualities of a partner they valued most before marriage and after a certain period of married life (about 15 years). The most successful marriage turned out to be among people who valued in their partner reliability, fidelity, love for the family and a strong character. In the group of happy marriages, there were few of those who preferred the external appearance of their partner. External attractiveness, valued by young people, fades into the background in older spouses, qualities such as love for the family and the ability to manage the household become the main ones.

On some points, the views of men and women coincided. For example, in the fact that moral and intellectual qualities are more important than appearance. Men, however, appreciated the appearance of women and their love for the family somewhat more. Women attached more importance to the delicacy and poise of men, and appearance, on the contrary, was put in one of the last places. They rejected the rudeness of men, as well as their indecision and cowardice.

An analysis of the data obtained made it possible to determine that spouses living in an “ideal marriage” most often have such personality traits as restraint, diligence, caring, dedication, and flexibility. They also tend to spend their free time together. At the same time, in marriages of emotionally disordered spouses, there is a deficiency of these qualities.

Based on this, the conclusions are formulated that, firstly, before marriage, partners should pay attention to the presence of each other's traits such as restraint, hard work, caring, desire to spend free time together, breadth of nature, accuracy, delicacy, punctuality. , dedication, flexibility. Secondly, effective work on the prevention of divorce involves the consistent formation of positive character traits necessary for future family life, already from childhood. Parents should understand that long before marriage, by their upbringing, they predetermine what the future marriage will be like. That is why an integral element of the work to prevent divorce should be the preparation of parents to perform educational functions.

As already mentioned, it is very important to know what were the marital relations of the chosen one's parents, what was the family way of life, what is the material level of the family, what negative phenomena are observed in the family and in the character of the parents. Even minimal family trauma often leaves a deep imprint on the child's soul and negatively affects his views, attitudes and subsequent behavior (8, p. 59).

Deep conflicts are inevitable where partners differ diametrically in their worldview, in political or religious positions, in their views on raising children, observing hygiene rules on issues such as marital fidelity. It is well known how badly alcoholism, drug addiction, and sometimes smoking abuse affects a marriage.

The education of spouses, of course, raises the cultural and material level of the family and serves as a prerequisite for a higher level of education for children. However, the author believes that there is no reason to believe that higher education is a guarantee of marital happiness and marital stability, which, in our opinion, must be accepted.

Firstly, such spouses are more likely to critically evaluate their marriage and sometimes seek to solve what does not suit them with the help of a divorce. Secondly, universities do not pay special attention to the premarital education of young people, therefore, people with higher education are no different in this area from their peers.

Research evidence suggests that marital well-being is affected by the labor stability of spouses. Almost every fifth marriage of those surveyed who changed professions was somehow disordered. Among the rest, discord was observed in about one in ten marriages. Obviously, by nature, people who often change jobs are characterized by instability, excessive dissatisfaction, inability to establish normal relationship with people. These qualities are manifested both at work and in the family.

Even fewer lasting marriages were observed in the group of people who intended to leave work during the study period - in this group of respondents, one in four was not satisfied with their marriage. This is another confirmation that a harmonious married life and family life is one of the important labor stabilizers (10, p. 60).

The age suitable for marriage is determined by the general maturity of the partners, as well as the readiness to perform marital and parental responsibilities. If we agree with the prevailing opinion that maturity is achieved only in the third decade of a person's life, then men and women should marry at least 20 years old. The average age of marriage is considered to be 20-24 years. This appears to be the most optimal age. Marriages of younger partners, precisely because of immaturity, unpreparedness and inexperience, are more likely to be at risk of divorce.

As for the duration of acquaintance before marriage, it is very important that during this period the partners get to know each other well, not only in optimal good conditions life, but also difficult situations when personal qualities are especially clearly manifested and weaknesses of character are revealed. According to our data, most young people get married after 1-2 years of dating. This period is usually enough to get to know each other. And six or even more than three months is not enough for this.

Thus, the analysis of happy and unhappy marriages made it possible to identify some factors that play an important role in marriage, which must be taken into account already at the stage of choosing a partner.

As you know, marital harmony or disharmony is the result of the interaction of many factors that are difficult to list in order of their importance. However, some of them are still universally significant and can be traced in all marriages. If this or that factor is regularly detected in unsuccessful marriages, then its recognition already at the stage of choosing a partner can serve as a signal of future complications in married life.

People who show responsibility in the performance of official duties more easily achieve harmony in married life. For example, among surveyed workers and employees who have an unambiguously positive attitude towards work, 88.6% considered their marriage to be “ideal” or “generally good.” And vice versa, among employees who do not hide their negative attitude towards official duties, less than half called their marriage harmonious - 49.1% (13, p. 67)

Probably, the one who is more aware of his capabilities and knows how to make the right choice is more successful both at work and in his personal life. Based on the data obtained, it can be concluded that an interesting job, job satisfaction has a positive effect on married life and, conversely, a good home atmosphere has a positive effect on working capacity and job satisfaction.

People who observe the principle of marital fidelity live in a harmonious marriage much more often than those who violate this principle. According to research, in the first group of respondents successful marriages accounted for 89%, and disordered - 4%. In the second group, these figures were respectively - 72 and 11%.

Optimal marital balance is difficult to achieve with 2 extreme types of reaction: fast and overly emotional, on the one hand, and slow, inhibited, on the other.

Research data suggests that the best relationships turned out to be with people who are able to solve all sorts of problems calmly and deliberately - 88.7% of harmonious marriages. A favorable situation was also observed among those who, in their opinion, "cannot be pissed off" - 81.1% of harmonious marriages.

One of the most destabilizing elements in a marriage is the tendency to conflict. Quarrels between spouses have a negative impact on the whole atmosphere in the house. For example, in a group of 136 people who said that they do not have domestic quarrels, the proportion of emotionally disordered marriages is 6.7%.

The general culture of a person presupposes interests that go beyond official duties. These interests enrich a person, broaden his horizons, favorably affect his ability to create good marital relations. As the answers of 1663 people surveyed showed, people who are interested in literature, theatre, cinema, and fine arts are happier in marriage than those who do not have such interests - 86.8 and 75.4% of harmonious marriages, respectively (13, p. 69).

As you know, alcoholism has an extremely adverse effect primarily on family relationships. Studies have shown that (2452 people were interviewed) among those living in an "ideal marriage", there were 80.3% who do not drink alcohol or drink rarely. In a “generally good” marriage, the proportion of these persons was 68.6%.

It is known that the state of health is determined not only genetically, it largely depends on right image life, especially from physical hardening and lack of bad habits. Research has shown that exercise has positive effect both in sexual life and in marriage in general.

Among people involved in sports, the majority described their marriage as "generally good" and 29% as "perfect".

Several studies have been conducted that study the state of marital relations in individual age periods. The data obtained allow us to draw the following conclusions. Ideal marriages more among the young and among the elderly. In young people, the factor of strong emotional attachment and the elderly have habits of each other, the experience of living together for years, which taught them to appreciate the advantages of a good married and family life.

The most unstable are middle-aged marriages (from 31 to 40 years). At the same time, as a rule, all sorts of family and educational problems become especially aggravated, and marital relations become commonplace, and not everyone manages to cope with this. High divorce rate frequent violation marital fidelity in the youngest families testifies to the thoughtlessness of marriage, insufficient preparation of young people for choosing a partner.

Research has shown that the most happy marriages- those in which love and devotion to each other dominate. In the group where love was the decisive factor in marriage, the proportion of happy marriages was 92.1%, among those in which the basis of marriage was devotion to each other - 91.5%, in marriages existing for the sake of children - 75.3%, there, where sexual harmony plays the main role, happy marriages accounted for 74.3% (15, p. 72).

Satisfaction married life To a certain extent, it depends on the daily routine of the spouses, on the division of their duties, the amount of personal and free time.

Satisfaction with family life also largely depends on satisfaction with the sexual relationship of the spouses. The reason for dissatisfaction with sexual life may be, in particular, an error in choosing a partner, which manifests itself in a different level of sexual needs of spouses. In addition, their unpreparedness, insufficient culture in the field of sexual and psychological relations may affect.

Dissatisfaction in intimate relationships is a common phenomenon in modern marriages. Of the 476 married men and women surveyed, 50.6% noted that sexual contacts do not bring them full satisfaction. Moreover, women complained about the purely physiological approach of their husbands to intimate contacts, about the everyday life of relationships, about the unwillingness to enrich these relationships.

41.1% of men admitted their intimate relationship harmonious with his wife. 42.2% said that their wives are not always ready for intimacy, 6.8% noted their wives' indifference.

Some men - 8.5% said that their wives, although they do not refuse intimacy, do not themselves seek sexual satisfaction (5, p. 76).

Undoubtedly, K. Vitek formulated and described in detail and fully the areas of family life that affect the harmony of family relations.

Continuing this idea, M.S. Matskovsky and T.A. Gurko developed a conceptual model of factors affecting the success of the functioning of a young family, which more clearly and deeply considers all aspects that affect the life of the family - its well-being or disadvantage (18, p. .76).

Thus, in marital relations currently exists whole line acute problems, such as:

Social and psychological incompatibility;

High conflict of spouses;

Mistakes in choosing a partner due to different outlooks on life, lack of social maturity;

Alcoholism, drug addiction and other bad habits;

Labor instability of partners;

Marital infidelity, sexual disharmony.

The music ended, the guests dispersed and Wedding Dress found its place in the closet. Now family life begins. When creating a family, a man and a woman enter into marriage with their own ideas about living together, which were largely formed in childhood, in the parental family. Each spouse has his own habits, his own experience, foundations, customs, traditions of the family. Each of the spouses will strive to bring their part to their new family. Time must pass before the newly-made husband and wife learn to compromise, understand and accept each other, with advantages and disadvantages.

Speaking metaphorically, family life resembles sea waves- at the peak there are crises, and at the recession - periods of calm and adaptation to new changes. Crises in the relationship of spouses are found everywhere life path. And do not be afraid of them, as they are necessary for the spouses in order for the relationship to be "alive" and develop, helping to build the future and cherish each other. So what is a crisis?

A crisis is an inevitable event in reaching a radically new level development.

Are there ways out of the crisis?

Yes, definitely. One of which is the transition to a new stage of development and the second is the break in relations. There are also painful exits - in fact, not exits, but Departure from solving real problems or delaying a decision: this is treason, addiction, a serious illness, etc.

Crisis symptoms to sound the alarm:

One of the partners or both deviate from intimacy. Sexologists believe that discord in sexual life is one of the first signs of a relationship, if not a crisis, then problems.
The so-called calm before the storm: when the spouses stop swearing at all, but at the same time both communicate and spend time together - each on their own. This is dangerous because the spouses will simply lose interest in each other, and it will be better and more interesting for them to spend time with other people.
Spouses no longer seek to please each other.
All issues related to the upbringing of children provoke quarrels and mutual reproaches.
Spouses do not have the same opinion on most issues that are significant to them (relations with family and friends, plans for the future, distribution of family income, etc.).
One of the spouses "withdraws into himself", usually it is the husband. He ceases to participate in solving everyday problems and in general in family life. Often he is immersed in work, constantly delayed, behaves aloof.
The logical consequence of the previous one is that the wife completely forgets about herself and goes headlong into solving family affairs, devotes herself completely to the family and becomes like draft horse. She works, takes care of the whole life, takes care of her husband and children.
Husband and wife have little or no understanding of each other's feelings.
Almost all actions and words of a partner cause irritation.
One of the spouses believes that he is forced to give in to the desires and opinions of the other all the time.
There is no need to share your problems and joys with your partner.

What is the first crisis?

The first, which psychologists called the crisis of the first year, is associated with a period of mutual "grinding" of the newlyweds. Transition from candy-bouquet period to a life together. According to statistics, about half of all marriages break up after the first year of marriage. Newly made spouses do not stand the test of "everyday life". Disagreements may relate to the distribution of responsibilities, the unwillingness of partners to change their habits. Inability or unwillingness to establish contact with the partner's parents.

The crisis at the birth of the first child entails the emergence of new roles: now not only husband and wife, but also dad and mom. This difficult period also known as the crisis of 3 years in a relationship, as after three years the family often already has a child.

The period of 7 years is a "new" round of monotony and routine associated with such a phenomenon as addiction. If the routine of the crisis of 3 years of relationship was dispelled by the rallying of the spouses in front of new long-term strategic tasks, then by the age of 7 all these questions no longer attract with novelty and instead of excitement they cause melancholy and disgust. It is not uncommon for spouses to experience disappointment when comparing reality with what it seemed a few years ago in dreams. It begins to seem to the spouses that now the whole life will be the same, they want something new, unusual, fresh sensations. The children have grown up. By the 7-year term, a family is already a large economy and a complex organism: the more people in the family, the more different interweaving, conflicting needs, clashes of interests. A crisis always makes things worse. Therefore, the better the relationship is built, the stronger the emotional intimacy was built and the better it was to learn to negotiate during periods of past disagreements, the easier it is to overcome the crisis, and vice versa.

15-20 years pass, the spouses, having survived the previous difficulties, live, enjoying family life, going with the flow, and here again a new worldly reef. Which can often be aggravated by the midlife crisis of one of the spouses. There is a frightening feeling that everything has already been achieved, everything has happened, both in personal and in professional field, there is a fear of aging ... The next crisis can be conditionally called the "crisis of an empty nest", this is an important period in the life of a family: when adult children leave it. Spouses are deprived of their main "leading" activity - raising children. They must again learn to live together, pay attention to each other. And women who were exclusively concerned with children and the home need to acquire new life tasks and goals. It is not uncommon during this period for husbands to leave for young mistresses.

How to overcome the crisis of living together?

If a close relationship has developed between the spouses, if they love each other, that is, they respect, appreciate, listen to the opinion of the other, then any conflict is just a part of their joint desire for mutual understanding. Do not panic because of the crisis. Many families bypass them without thinking and without suspecting what it is. They simply overcome the difficulties that have arisen. The successful resolution of the crisis is the key further development family and a necessary factor in the effective living of subsequent stages.

Each crisis is a leap forward, going beyond the old relationship. A crisis in a relationship helps spouses to see not only the negative, but also the valuable that connects and binds them. Meanwhile, parting is rather a consequence of an incorrectly passed crisis.

In order to overcome this critical moment in family life, the willingness of both spouses, mutual desire and, as usual, patience and support will be required.

If one of the spouses considers divorce as a way out, and the other does not agree with this, it is necessary to take a "time out". Perhaps the spouses should leave for a while, relax and think (3-4 days, a week) in order to understand themselves, their feelings, desires and aspirations. Think about it, is everything really so bad, can it really be that all the good that was between you can be crossed out so easily? Try to refresh feelings, emotions, diversify relationships, get rid of dullness and routine. Think about romance, change your hairstyle, style or interior in the apartment, find a new hobby for both of you and do not forget about joint leisure and relaxation. You will always have time to get a divorce, but it is still worth trying to reunite the family.

Another way to deal with a crisis is to turn to family psychologist. Many people think that a heart-to-heart conversation in the kitchen with friends will help to find a solution, but do not forget that friends will give emotional support, but not a way to solve the problem, as their advice comes through the prism of their own life experience.

Golden Rules to Help You Get Through Relationship Crises Easier:

Learn to talk about the difficulties and problems that have arisen. It is very important to start a conversation in time, not to turn away from the troubles that have arisen, not to accumulate them, not to remain silent.
Do not generalize, even if you speak in anger, do not cross the line, which you will later regret.
Talk about your feelings, experiences, do not make claims (instead of "you always ...", "you are to blame ...", say "I feel ...", "it upsets me when you ...").
If at least one is frightened or in a strong emotional arousal, the situation can get out of control, in such cases it is not necessary to aggravate the situation, wait it out, or you need to contact specialists (family psychologists).

Do not be afraid of the crisis, because this is an indicator normal development relations. And all this information will be useful to those who have already entered into marriage bonds or are just planning to. Think about it and take care of your loved ones!

According to studies by sociologists and family counselors, each family goes through several stages of development, and the transition from one to another is usually accompanied by a crisis.

First, problems in family life can begin when one of the spouses experiences his own psychological crisis, such as a midlife crisis. Reviewing his life, feeling dissatisfied with himself, a person decides to change everything, including his family life.

In addition, the cause of the crisis for spouses is difficulties at work, problems in relationships with relatives, a change in financial situation (both in the direction of its deterioration and in the direction of improvement), the family moving to another city or country. And, of course, more serious stress factors - serious illnesses, deaths, wars, job loss, the birth of handicapped children.

8 dangerous symptoms:

1. The desire of spouses for intimacy decreases;
2. Spouses no longer strive to please each other;
3. All issues related to the upbringing of children provoke quarrels and mutual reproaches;
4. Spouses do not have the same opinion on most issues that are significant to them (relations with relatives and friends, plans for the future, distribution of family income, etc.);
5. Husband and wife poorly understand (or do not understand at all) each other's feelings;
6. Almost all actions and words of a partner cause irritation;
7. One of the spouses believes that he is forced to give in to the desires and opinions of the other all the time;
8. There is no need to share your problems and joys with your partner;

Just don't explode!

Psychologists conditionally distinguish several of the most explosive ages of the family. According to statistics, about half of all marriages break up after the first year of marriage. Newly made spouses do not stand the test of "everyday life". Disagreements may relate to the distribution of responsibilities, the unwillingness of partners to change their habits.

The next critical age for a family is the first 3-5 years of marriage. It is at this time that children most often appear in the family, and the spouses are concerned about the arrangement of separate housing and their professional problems, career growth. Physical and nervous tension cause alienation and misunderstanding between husband and wife. During this period, romantic love is reborn into marital friendship - the spouses are now comrades-in-arms, and not ardent lovers.

After 7-9 years of living together, another crisis may occur, associated with such a phenomenon as addiction. Life has more or less stabilized, the children have grown up. Often, spouses experience disappointment when comparing reality with what it seemed several years ago in dreams. It begins to seem to the spouses that now the whole life will be the same, they want something new, unusual, fresh sensations.

Time passes, and if the husband and wife are still together, after 16-20 years of marriage, another worldly reef is possible. It is exacerbated by the midlife crisis of one of the spouses. There is a frightening feeling that everything has already been achieved, everything has happened, both in the personal and professional spheres.

Foreign sociologists during this period call another crisis period in family life: when adult children leave it. Spouses are deprived of their main "leading" activity - raising children. They must learn to live together again. And women who were exclusively concerned with children and the home need to acquire new life tasks. For our culture, this side of the crisis is less relevant: often adult children stay with their parents. In addition, in most cases, parents take an active part in the family life of their children, raising their grandchildren.

There would be no happiness...

Often, what becomes a “stumbling block” for one family, causing a crisis in relationships, on the contrary, unites another family.

The Art of Forgiving

It is important not only to learn to ask for forgiveness, but also to accept apologies. It is dangerous to "sulk" on a partner for several days, making him feel guilty - in the end it will get boring. If you are not ready for a truce, say it directly: "You know, I need time to cool down, calm down."

Nothing happens without communication.

A family crisis is primarily a crisis of communication. More than 80% of couples applying for psychological help complain about difficulties in communicating with each other. While problems with children and their upbringing, sexual or financial difficulties are the cause of family crisis in only 40% of cases.

Looking for a compromise

Factor #1
It is known that the birth of a child in order to "keep" a spouse does not contribute to the strength of the relationship, but, on the contrary, rather accelerates its disintegration. However, children are still able to “cement” relationships - by dealing with their problems, spouses can push their own conflicts into the background, conclude a truce. But when the children grow up, become independent, the parents are again left alone with their contradictions, having practically forgotten how to communicate with each other.
Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for a child in a family that is on the verge of a divorce to suddenly get sick often or to have troubles all the time. Thus, he unconsciously "protests" against the collapse of the marriage of mom and dad, attracting the attention of his parents. This, according to psychologists, is too high a price for a family to get out of the crisis. It happens that, having learned that they will soon become parents, spouses who are on the verge of a break decide that this is another chance to improve relations. And many succeed.

Factor #2
Among the risk factors for family life are called early marriages. They are considered fragile, because young spouses have to solve too many problems: domestic, professional, material. But marriages between people who are already “firmly on their feet” are predicted to have a long existence. However, those who lived long bachelor life It may be even more difficult to change your usual way of life, to adapt to someone else. And vice versa, in early marriages adaptation to life changes and mutual "grinding" with a partner is easier due to the psychological flexibility inherent in young people.

Factor #3
The majority believes that a family, forced to constantly overcome difficulties, most often “breaks down”, unable to withstand the burden of problems. But for some reason family crises is ... "stagnation", routine, boredom, while difficulties only bring spouses together. Stability and regularity of life provoke a crisis.

Darlings scold, only amuse

Known situation: offended wife meets her husband with icy silence. She expects him to telepathically read her thoughts, understand the extent of his guilt and pray for her. However, in 98% of cases, she will have to experience the insult alone (the husband will never understand why the wife is offended). And the unspoken resentment will “sting” the worried woman in a scorpion-like way. They say after all that "to be offended is to punish yourself for other people's mistakes."

It is better to quarrel, psychologists advise. But, so that the quarrel does not develop into a banal scandal, conflictologists have developed a number of rules:

Don't insult your partner.

When blaming your spouse for something, avoid generalizations: "You always ...". Instead, say about yourself: “I feel hurt and sad to spend every weekend alone.”

Do not criticize your spouse in public. One of my friends, who grew up in a wonderful family, recalled: “Mom could argue with dad to the point of hoarseness in private, but in public she invariably took his side.”

Be guided by the "golden rule": "Do not tell others what you do not want to be told to you."

Put yourself in your partner's shoes. For example, the husband is in no hurry to go home after work and spends little time with the child. Or maybe you often reproach him? Or do you control your husband’s communication with the baby too strictly, criticizing games and books chosen for reading?

Try to avoid deliberately conflicting topics such as politics, religion, etc., especially if you have different points of view.

And write letters. So we avoid a violent quarrel, better understand our feelings and - most importantly - splash out negative energy on paper.

Your personal space

And at home, each of the spouses should have a zone free from the influence of the other. You don't even have to leave the apartment to do this. It’s just that each of the spouses should have a place where he can retire: with a book, watch his favorite movie, sit in silence at the computer.

See with new eyes

Or maybe it’s worth visiting with your husband where he spent his childhood, chatting with those who love him the way he is? Then there is a chance to see qualities that are new to you and worthy of admiration. One acquaintance said that he fell in love with his wife again when, having called for her at work, he witnessed how masterfully she removed conflict situation between subordinates.

Does your husband have a hobby? Show interest. Look at him in a situation where he is successful, passionate. This will help your heart "remember" what made it race a few years ago.

The art of moving away from stereotypes

You and your partner have very different hobbies, but there are no barriers to, for example, going to the pool together or, say, to ballroom dancing classes.

The main thing is to destroy the pattern of behavior that has become boring over the years. Sometimes it is useful for spouses to take a break from each other, to go, for example, with friends to the sea. Do not be afraid of such a desire - this is a completely natural need for a change of impressions. One "but": this opportunity should be available to each of the spouses.

Genre crisis? Welcome!

Do not be afraid of the crisis. Many families bypass them without thinking and without suspecting what it is. They simply overcome the difficulties that have arisen. The successful resolution of the crisis is the key to the further development of the family and a necessary factor in the effective living of the subsequent stages.

Analyze it!

Another way to deal with a crisis is to contact a family counselor. Many, however, believe that a heart-to-heart conversation with their mother or girlfriend is a completely adequate replacement. However, in relatives and friends, we are more likely to find emotional support, but not a way to solve the problem.